“The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am a chosen child of God, precious in God’s eyes . . . we must dare to opt consciously for our chosenness and not allow our emotions, feelings, or passions to seduce us into self-rejection.”
– Henri Nouwen
I had a really good friend in 8th grade. She was an amazing artist and straight A student. She had parents and a family that loved her. She was extremely well liked at school, and was kind and friendly to all who knew her. Every earthly indicator pointed to a bright future. But she was in deep pain. So much so, one night she ingested an entire bottle of pills. She thought she could just fall asleep and not wake up, forever free from the hurt she was feeling.
But a few hours later . . . just a few hours . . . she did wake up. And she didn’t want to die anymore. She went into her brother’s bedroom, scared and asking for help. He immediately woke up their parents. They rushed her to the hospital, but the medication had already been absorbed into her organs.
There was nothing they could do, except wait for her to die.
What has always stayed with me is the realization that in just a few hours, she went from considering her life not worth living out of desperation, to desperately wanting to live.
Her feelings had betrayed her.
A little time . . . a little sleep . . . shifted her perspective and allowed her to see the hurt she was feeling was nothing worth dying for.
I am not going to pretend that for one second that I understand depression, or dismiss the very real pain that people who feel suicidal experience. Not every hurt will go away by tomorrow morning. Some hurts last months and even years.
But my hope and prayer for each and every person that finds themselves in a moment of thinking they want to choose to go . . . is that they would choose instead to stay.
Tell those who love you. Ask for help. Things we are going through, no matter how difficult, are just that . . . things we go “through“. There is a beginning and there will be an end, but the end should not be one’s life. Yes, we will all enter into hard times, but we must hold on with the knowledge that at some point we will also exit out.
It may feel too heavy to survive, but we cannot always trust our feelings. Instead, we must cling to what we know rather than what we feel. Hold on to those who love you. And when you can’t find the truth within yourself, let those who love you remind you who you really are, how much you are loved, and are valued, and what your life is really worth.
My heart breaks for every parent, sibling, family member and friend that has ever had to walk this road full of shock and pain, left longing for even one more moment with a loved one.
Don’t go. Stay.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18
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