My youngest daughter, who is autistic, finished traditional high school at 18 and graduated with her class. Most of her peers took the summer to celebrate and then moved into the next season of life at the college of their choice. The path after high school for kids with intellectual and developmental disabilities looks a little different.
We are fortunate in that our school district offers a program to qualifying special needs students that provides them an extra three years of instruction. Rather than continuing to focus on just academics, the goal of the program is to prepare the students for adult life and economic self-sufficiency in the hopes it will make for a smoother transition into the community upon completion.
One of the best things about the program was that it continued to provide opportunities to practice social skills and relationship building. The curriculum took the kids out in the community on a regular basis, working on “real life” skills they practiced in the classroom. They had a wide range of opportunities to interact with the general public within the context of internships, service opportunities, eating out, etc.
Many people today are aware that those with intellectual and developmental disabilities can struggle socially. Making eye contact, asking for help, and trying to manage anxiety triggered by loud sounds, new situations or people they don’t know can make interacting with others very difficult. Uncertainty in unfamiliar circumstances makes it hard to just relax and enjoy what’s happening in the present.
In the past, outside of the special needs population, it seemed only those with extreme shyness would be able to empathize with feeling overwhelmed in public places, specifically in terms of interfacing with other people. These days, however, it seems as if it’s the norm.
It’s no secret that the more social media has permeated culture, the more prevalent social anxiety has become. I started noticing several years ago that even people I worked alongside on a daily basis seemed unable or unwilling to even say “hello” when passing in a hallway. I would think to myself how uncomfortable they must have been to choose aversion, which always feels way more awkward to me, then offering a smile or a quick, “Hi.”
But the simple truth is, I’m not them. I have not experienced life as they know it. I don’t know why it’s hard for them. It could be one reason or a whole plethora of things. So rather than judge it, I just try and always be the initiator and make it easier for them. It comes naturally for me, so why not do so?
That said, I don’t think we are trending in a good direction. We’ve made it too easy to hide, both at home and in public. Working out of our homes, communicating almost exclusively via text, and walking through life with airpods in our ears, does not exactly help foster any sense of community. Not to mention spending almost two years social distancing and covering our faces in masks, tasked with avoiding one another as much as possible to “stay safe”.
Even though we’re told by experts what a difference a sense of belonging has on each of us, we have trained ourselves to move away from people rather than towards connection, and we don’t seem to know or want to go back to a healthier way of living. We all know how detrimental it is, even as we continue to experience feelings of loneliness, and yet we seem to be stuck in these patterns of self-isolation. It should be a surprise to no one that we have a mental health crisis on our hands.
So, back to my daughter. Of all of the things she learned in the three years she spent in the transition program, there is one thing that stands out to me as the most important.
In almost every conversation my daughter engages me in, there will come a point where she asks me a question. It may be what my favorite scene is in a movie is, or my favorite song by an artist we both like, or my favorite animal at the zoo. The questions always vary, but one thing happens without fail every single time. She will patiently listen to my answer and when I am finished talking she will say, “Now ask me.”
Reciprocity.
Kendra Cherry, MSed, describes reciprocity beautifully in an article written for the online resource, VeryWell Mind. She writes, “In relationships, reciprocity involves a mutually beneficial exchange of support that makes each person feel cared for and loved. It is marked by sharing needs, caring for each other, empathy, and interdependence. Because each person provides emotional support that is then reciprocated, both people in the relationship get the care that they need to thrive.”
My daughter is not just initiating conversation for conversation’s sake. She is asking questions, inviting me into a deeper relationship. She is actively engaging me by showing interest in my thoughts and feelings and then in return, letting me know that she, too, would like to be better known.
Any time we give of ourselves to someone else, we are communicating with words and or actions that they are worth our efforts. Eye contact literally makes one feel seen, asking questions promotes interest in others, and active listening conveys that what someone else has to say matters.
But at some point, we need to decide that we give because it’s who we are, not because or what we expect to get in return.
We’ve all had people say nothing when we hold the door, not wave “thank you” when we let them cut into our lane in traffic, or walk past us as if we don’t even exist. We may feel as if offering up a smile or a simple hello doesn’t make a bit of difference. But that couldn’t be more untrue. Sometimes the simplest of acts provide all that is needed to initiate and experience positive interactions and even establish new relationships. Every time we’re willing to put ourselves out there we are gaining confidence to do it again. Even if it doesn’t go well every time, we can know that we are building muscle memory that we benefit from.
That may seem to negate reciprocity at it’s core, but it doesn’t. There are various forms of reciprocity, but generally speaking, it’s at it’s purest form when it prompts us to take care of others simply because we see a need we can meet.
It’s understandable that in today’s world, with all of the tragedies and traumatic things we are exposed to worldwide, we may be inclined to want to shrink back and only deal with people as little as possible, especially those we don’t know. Fear about all the things that could happen can cast a powerful shadow over our days, robbing us all of so many opportunities to learn about others and experience the best parts of life . . . the people that surround us.
We can, however, begin to change that trajectory with the smallest of adjustments. We can remind those we come into contact with on a daily basis that we “see” them by acknowledging them with eye contact and a smile whether we know them or not. We can say something to encourage the mom of young children that has her hands full in the grocery store. Or inquire if someone needs help getting their suitcase up into the overhead compartment on an airplane before they have to ask. Maybe it will simply be offering a hello to someone we pass walking in the park. Wherever we find ourselves today, we will find people in need. And in looking to meet the needs of others, we may find that some of our deepest needs are met as well.
Another benefit that is a direct result of focusing on meeting the needs of others, is that our own self-consciousness fades into the background. It frees us from being so self-absorbed, consumed with what others are thinking of us, and paralyzed by our fears. The power of tangibly loving others breaks through the barriers fear always wants to erect. Instead of being consumed by thoughts of self, thinking of and acting on a desire to help others propels us towards awareness of others. Rather than having an unhealthy focus on ourselves, being aware of the experience and needs of others around us creates a much healthier form of self-awareness. Simply put, we pay attention to the fact that while we matter, so does everyone else.
The mental health crisis will not go away on it’s own. It will not be solved today or tomorrow or even in the foreseeable future. Every person who is struggling has unique needs and challenges ranging from mild to complex. We are not always going to be able to solve problems as quickly as we could like, but we need to to realize the patterns of behavior that have gotten us here. There are two things I know for sure . . .
If we don’t start intentionally doing things differently we are never going to get different results. Nothing gets better on its own. We also need to recognize that we were never made to move through life alone. We were created to share life with others. Right now, we can start to fight back against the anxiety that seeks to cripple us by deciding that we are going to do even just ONE thing that moves us towards community instead of isolation.
The Bible tells us 365 times to, “Fear not.” Some may credit that to coincidence but for me, that’s God’s kindness. He said it once for every day of the year, knowing that we would always be inclined and have reasons to be fearful, but He doesn’t want that for us. He knows how detrimental that is to us in our daily lives.
One of my favorite verses reminds us that fear doesn’t come from God. Instead, as is always evidenced by God’s character, He is a giver of good things. 1 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” He doesn’t want us moving through life too afraid to really live it. We will never be able to control our circumstances, but so much of our anxiety stems from trying to do just that. He wants us to get to know Him and come to rest in that He is always working for our good, regardless of circumstances.
No matter where life finds us today, we can decide to better “see” the people around us. When we choose to put love into action and love people on purpose, it ironically helps to fill our own sense of purpose. Each of has contributions to make in this world. When we look for ways to make a difference in the lives of others, we may be surprised by the big difference it makes in our own.
So . . . who are you going to “see” today? What is one thing you can decide to give away today to someone else that will make them feel valued? What kindness will you offer up in exchange for fears to start to set yourself free?
Now ask me.
For more on the necessity and benefits of reciprocity, along with what it should and should not look like, I’ve included a link below.
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-the-rule-of-reciprocity-2795891
hindsight 