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Let The People In Your Life Grow Up

Posted on by dawn marie powers

So many times without realizing it, we want to keep people locked in a season of life where they hurt us. If they remain the people they always have been then, of course . . . there is good reason to keep them at arm’s length.

But if we can measure growth, even if it’s not at the rate we wish it was, we should try focusing on the efforts they are currently making, instead of on all the ways they have hurt us in the past. We all “see” what we choose to focus on. When we do, we will almost always find what we’re looking for. If we are constantly waiting for the ball to drop, even the slightest misstep will loom large.

The same can be said, however, if we assume positive intent. When we start there, we may be surprised by the new ways someone is trying to connect and love us well, even if it’s not perfect. And it never will be.

Most of us want to keep getting better at relationships. It can be scary, and sometimes it feels easier to just stay mad, punishing people in the present for things that happened a long time ago. But if we’re honest, we are only hurting ourselves along with any chance for the relationship to look differently.

Learning to love in healthier ways always takes time, forgiveness, and a rebuilding of trust. But it’s worth it when we can rest, even as mistakes are still being made, believing that a person is “for” us and is not intentionally trying to hurt us.

There will always be times in every relationship when misunderstandings occur. We will find ourselves hurt and at times we will be the ones doing the hurting. It’s amazing how off kilter our ability seems to be in holding ourselves accountable for causing pain in others, minimizing our actions while remaining hyperfocused on the ways we feel they have failed us. If we expect grace in the moments we’ve let people down, we should be prepared to offer the very same grace in their direction.

Maya Angelou, in one of her more famous quotes stated, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” The only way we can have the relationships we really want is to understand that we are never separate from our humanness.

We will always have the propensity to hurt one another and let each other down. But we also have an incredible capacity to love one another. We can waste time thinking people should have known better to begin with or should have learned faster, etc. But truth be told these are just two of the rabbit holes we could spend our entire lives getting lost in to justify our own unwillingness to be vulnerable.

We can miss out on a lot of opportunities to have the relationships we really want by continuing to blame the other party, refusing to see any efforts they are making. We cannot have it both ways. We would do better to humble ourselves and know that none of us are without fault. We may tell ourselves that the offenses and hurts that we commit are not nearly as painful as the ones we’ve endured, but they probably don’t feel like it to the people we’ve hurt.

So let yourself soften a bit. Make sure that you have communicated clearly and specifically what you’d like to be different about someone’s behavior and how you would like your relationship to change. You can take your time learning to trust again, but be looking for new and healthy patterns of behavior just as intently as you would the old.

It has been said that, “Changed behavior is the best apology.”, but it’s also the best evidence that someone is trying their best to do better. So try and let them.

1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

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The Truth Hurts

Posted on by dawn marie powers

It’s truly amazing how we can’t seem to fully appreciate our parent’s good advice until we reach a certain age. Whatever age that is for each of us as individuals, it can easily be precipitated by having children of our own. As my kids started to grow and required age appropriate boundaries, I found myself, as if from a script, effortlessly uttering the very same guidance I received in my own childhood.

My mom had some of the best sayings when I was growing up.  Two of the phrases that stand out always went hand in hand. She would tell me, “I’m sorry if what I have to say hurts your feelings, but it’s the truth.  I’m not sorry I said it.  I’m sorry I had to.”

Ouch.  I guess the truth really does hurt.  

The main reason much of her instruction was “un-receivable” at the time was because the words were delivered during discipline. Completely understandable, right? We usually aren’t open to hearing that we are wrong and that are parents know better in our teens. The irony is, however, her words immediately gave us common ground.  She didn’t want to have to say what she said, and I certainly didn’t want to hear it.  But it’s what we both needed to do.  Her “apology” for saying what needed to be said let me know she didn’t take pleasure in having to discipline me.  It created space for me to examine my own behavior in order to self correct, and encouraged me towards seeing the need to formulate an apology of my own.

It may seem cliche’, but it really was pain with a purpose.  She took her job of raising me and my siblings up very seriously and felt there was no higher calling that getting her parenting right.  She wanted to be sure that we had everything we needed to grow into people who could deal with reality, tell ourselves the truth about our own behavior, and have both self and other’s awareness regarding our actions, understanding that everything we do affects at least one other person.  

So many of her words made themselves at home in my mind and heart without my even realizing it. Over time, they became a deep well of resources that I was able to draw from time and again while raising my own children. To this day she is the person from whom I have learned the most.  Her love and care, words and instruction are all woven into the fabric of my being, just like my DNA.  I simply wouldn’t be who I am today, as a person or as a parent, without her.

As we approach another Mother’s Day, I find myself more reflective and so very grateful with each passing year for all that she has taught me.

Hebrews 12:11 No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.

What is something your mom did or said that has become a part of who you are, too?

If you are a parent, is it something you incorporate/plan to incorporate into your own parenting or are you/will you do something totally different?

“Spiritual freedom is deliverance from the power and bondage of sin so that we can serve the living God as well as his people. It is freedom from legalism and the control of the flesh so that we can experience the substitutionary, resurrected life of Christ. It’s living a “thank you” life and a “want to” life (relationship) rather than a “have to” life (law).” – Tony Evans Bible Commentary

Galatians 5:1

Quote• Posted on by dawn marie powers
So many friends and family I talk with agree that finding and cultivating friends can feel hard, especially in a post-Covid world. But if you’re anything like me, you have an overriding sense that we were made for relationship. Community is something we actually need. I’ll follow-up with a review after making my way through the book.

Next book in the queue . . .

What’s for dinner?

Ben Franklin is famously quoted with saying that, ” . . . in this world, nothing is certain except death and taxes.”, but every mother will tell you that that’s simply not true. I would bet good money that a certain question is asked with incredible consistency, in every household.

“What’s for dinner?”

Our family is no exception. The person I can count on to pose the question faithfully in our home is my almost 25 year old daughter who is Autistic. Without fail, she starts her day (and mine!) with the same two questions.

“What are we doing today?” and “What’s for dinner?”

What we do on a daily basis changes from day to day, but dinner is a non-negotiable. It begs an answer. For me, the challenge is not so much in preparing the meal as it is deciding what to make. Maybe that’s true for you as well.

Fortunately, there are so many home cooks that are posting amazing content . They’re not just giving us dinner ideas, but also amazing content that shows us the preparation step by step. It’s hard not be inspired by those who truly love both the process and the final results.

One of my favorite home cooks to follow is Olivia Adriance. The recipes she shares are healthy and so easy to follow. She takes away all of my excuses that making things from scratch is too hard I’ve made several of her recipes and my family has loved each and every one. So, if you’re unsure what to make tonight, look Olivia up and start with the Chuck Roast Tacos. Simply amazing!

https://unsplash.com/photos/0BhSKStVtdM?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditShareLink

hindsight

Think back to the first time you signed up on any given social media outlet.  What kind of online community did you want to belong to?  What kinds of “friends” were you hoping to find?

All of us share an innate desire to be “liked”.  We all operate best as human beings when we are in healthy, supportive relationships. We all deserve to have people in our lives that truly enjoy us and choose to be with us.  Friends that will move towards us, rather than away, when life gets hard.  Those who will always show up for us, whether to celebrate our best days or sit with us in our pain. 

Women have an amazing capacity to show up for one another.

Hindsight was created to be a safe space for all of us to share our stories. To share our celebrations and our struggles. To reflect on all the life that we have experienced to date and how we’ve grown as a result. To seek advice from a supportive community when we need it. To find solidarity in our roles as women. 

The online community provides unlimited opportunities to get to know people from all around the world.  Women who are mothers, daughters, sisters, and friends of all ages, races, cultures and countries.

Everyone has something to teach us.

One of the best ways I believe we can show up for one another is by sharing the wisdom we have acquired collectively through our life experiences.  Things we know “now” that we wish we had known “before”.  Before making important life decisions.  Before the “aha” moments, the heartache, or the pain of poor choices.  

Many of us seem to insist on learning the hard way.  I know that’s been true for me too many times to count.  But what I know for sure today, is that it doesn’t always have to be so hard. 

One of my favorite quotes by Pastor John Maxwell states, 

“It’s said that a wise person learns from his mistakes. A wiser one learns from others’ mistakes. But the wisest person of all learns from others’ successes.”

We have an incredible opportunity to learn from one another.  To ask important questions.  To provide perspectives and possibilities that may be hard to see on the “before” side of any decision.  To share wisdom that has more often than not cost us a great deal to acquire. To give others hope that they can walk through hard things informed, rather than unaware, expecting the best outcome possible. 

Wisdom is so valuable to God that the Bible states in Proverbs 4:7, “The beginning of wisdom is this:  get wisdom.  Though it cost you all you have, get understanding.”

“Though it cost you all you have.”

Wow. Anything that important to God should get our attention. Our choices and decisions are always going to cost us something. May we choose things that God would choose for us, and not settle for less than. Things to prosper us and not harm us. May we choose to tap into the example of those surrounding us who show us what it looks like daily to trust God, come what may.

God gave us one another to lean on and learn from. He knew that by doing so, we would spare ourselves so much potential pain.  The bonus of seeking advice or asking for help comes when we choose to enter into authentic community with others.  God created us for connection. When we enter into safe relationships, we never have to walk through hard things alone.  

We need each other.

Merriam-Webster defines hindsight as, “The knowledge and understanding that you have about an event only “after” it has happened.”  

Dictionary.com’s version states, “Recognition of the realities, possibilities, or requirements of a situation, event, decision etc., “after” its occurrence.”

Hindsight provides us with the gift of 20/20 vision . . . “after” we need it. It’s easy after the fact to clearly discern what was so difficult to see in the midst of our circumstances.  

Why wait passively until “after” for knowledge and understanding?  Why not recognize in advance “the realities, possibilities or requirements of a situation, event, or decision” we are faced with today by proactively preparing as best we can?  We need to tap into one of the greatest resources available to us all to help us do just that.  One another.

Merriam-Webster used hindsight in a sentence, and I loved the example so much that I used it as my blog’s tag line. 

“In hindsight, it’s clear there were alternatives.”

Yes. Yes there were. It makes me laugh out loud every time.  It’s what I say to my younger self on a regular basis when I recall so many questionable decisions I made growing up.  

Looking back on your own life, what is one thing you wish your younger self would have known prior to making an important decision?  If you are facing a difficult decision today, what questions or concerns do you have?