A few years back, I was on a whale watching tour with my family off the coast of the San Juan Islands. The tour was sold out, so we found ourselves in very close proximity to the other passengers. It was impossible to not overhear the multiple conversations happening around us in between our own.
One in particular has stuck with me to this day. Two men were discussing some of the similarities and differences between living in America versus Europe. The man from Europe shared an observation that he felt demonstrated a subtle, yet distinguishable difference in questions we ask when meeting someone for the first time.
He had observed that after an initial introduction, one of the first questions people in America will ask is, “What do you do?”. He said in his country of origin, the question more commonly asked is, “What do you like to do?”.
I love that! Just by adding in those two little words, the emphasis completely changes, as does the trajectory of interest. The focus shifts from asking about what we are obligated to do, and instead, inquires about things we choose to do. It directs us from an occupation to recreation. From work to play.
I don’t want to imply that one’s profession can’t be something they enjoy or feel passionate about. Many people do. One of the best pieces of advice out there is the idea that if we can find something we love to do, and earn a living doing it, we’ll never work a day in our lives. (Everyone from Mark Twain to Confucius is credited with a version of that quote, so choose your favorite and say thank you!)
What I do mean is that the first way infers action, something that a person has to do. At best, asking that question reminds us of work, which is the last thing many want to discuss when relaxing in social settings. At worst, it can allow for comparison to sneak in, leaving the potential for some to feel like their answer needs to justify their worth.
No one should ever feel or be made to feel like they don’t measure up in some way. But of course it goes on. Some may struggle with a very real sense of intimidation, particularly when in a diverse group.
People in blue collar positions may feel “less than” based on salary alone, whereas people in banking or tech related fields may seem aloof or unapproachable. We get ourselves in so much trouble by stereotyping other people based upon very limited information given to us about who they are. Sadly, many times we prejudge on appearance alone.
When we do that, we can so easily get distracted while trying to make our own best first impression. We show up as our worst selves in those moments out of insecurity. We may come off as defensive, unknowingly imply we are “greater than” in some way, or convey a complete lack of interest. All of those approaches shut down communication whether they are true or not. It can get awkward real fast and keep people from pursuing further conversation.
But the second question doesn’t allow much room for that. It cuts right through that first layer of obligatory conversation. Asking people what they like to do sends an additional underlying message of real interest in who they are. There is an authenticity to it that says that we want to know more about things they care about. It brings a sense of wonder into the conversation space and places value on what the other person is about to share, even before they do. When we combine a good question with active listening, we send the message to others that we care about what they have to say.
It sets the kind of tone between two people that makes it so much easier to open up. To be real and vulnerable.
Asking good questions attaches greater value to who the person is versus what they do. We live in a society with an unrelenting message that always requires that we do more and be more, and our value is adjusted accordingly in their eyes. How refreshing it would be to ask people instead to share with us what makes them feel alive, versus what they do to make a living.
It’s so easy to fall into the same old line of questions we routinely ask. The ones that require no real thought or energy on our parts. The ones that can be recalled instantly from muscle memory. The safe ones. I want to move past the, “How are you?” question without truly expecting or waiting for an answer. Past the knee jerk, shallow banter of, “So, what kind of work do you do?”. These questions are not bad in and of themselves.
But we can do way better than that.
We were all taught in school that there’s no such thing as a bad question. Maybe not. But I’d like to think that it would be so easy for us to infuse a little more care and effort into our daily interactions. Showing genuine interest in getting to know the people we encounter will go a long way towards building a better sense of goodwill in our social circles and communities. Even, and most importantly, in our families.
I want to learn to ask more creative questions seeking to truly connect. To move from merely trying to fill uncomfortable space between me and another person to being fully present. I want to initiate the kind of conversation that makes others feel truly seen.
One of my favorite things to do is ask married people to share their back story. It has been my experience that people love to revisit that time in their lives. To see the joy on their faces as they recall how they met and what it was that made them choose one another.
So, how about you? What is your favorite question to ask? What is the most thought provoking question you can remember being asked?
hindsight 
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